The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
the day after is always just damage control
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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