i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
