he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
