I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
