god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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