Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
