Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
