im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
