i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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