sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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