So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
