I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
