I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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