I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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