here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
