My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
