My liver just broke up with me...
It was confusing and full of hummus
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
