i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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