Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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