if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
