Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
