Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize