Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
