Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
