Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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