I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
