i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize