I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
