the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
