I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
