I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
