I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
