i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
