Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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