Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
