I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't think brook has ever known best
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
