She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
