I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize