what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
