Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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