I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
