Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
