we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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