I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
