Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize