Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
