The maid of honor just puked.
from now on my penis is your penis
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
