i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
