stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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