We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The feeling are messing with the penis
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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