last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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