I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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