Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
