Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
