Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
