Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
