I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
