i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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