I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
