and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
