Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
